What is what

Summer is almost overrrr.

All of my trips were so great. Got to see so many of my girls and new places and made me love going home so much more.

I started organizing my classroom but really need the expertise of my Mother and luckily she lives right down the street and works right down the hall from me. 

I say this and then think about everything that's been bothering me.

I have never moved away from home.

I have a job, WHICH IS A BLESSING, WHICH I AM ENTIRELY GRATEFUL FOR, but is this what I'm going to be doing forever? That's all planned out and that's boring.

I would really like to live with my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 and a half years now; but I know he will be ready when he's ready and I just need patience.

Elizabeth called off her wedding; which makes me feel weird about love because I thought they were so happy together. My best friend is not a very good example of love either...but

I am breathing. My family is all healthy. I am loved. I HAVE A PUPPY! Well, I'm fostering a doggie from the shelter that I renamed Luna and I love her so much. A dog is a lot of work but I am willing and able to do it, so why not?

Most of my summer goals were partially or mostly met. Some entirely even. I think I need some kind of medication that forces me to not think so much about the future; but applying for Teach for America and researching different cities to move to just doesn't allow me to focus entirely on the present. It will all work out. I will figure out what is what and where it all falls into place. It's ok to question myself right? So long as those that understand how particular I am don't run away at my bitchiness. So long as they still love me.

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Just a few things

Elizabeth visited and I bought my bridesmaid dress for her wedding and I am so excited. I got a tattoo. WHAT A TATTOO and yeah, I like it a lot. Yoga is making me feel like I'm exactly where I need to be.

Which I needed.
I also need to go to the grocery store.

Home (?)

The idea of home has become fuzzy. I'm trying to think back to when it started and I think it was when I graduated high school. I was still "home" but I lived in a dorm with someone I was only kind of friends with and my best friends were miles and miles away.

I made it through college feeling pretty comfortable in my "home" even though I was back in my bedroom at my parents' house with my little sister. I moved into what should have been my own "home" last summer; an adorable apartment in a really amazing location that is only a little bit too expensive. Yet, I've never really felt like it's home either.

"Home" became even fuzzier when a lot of Joel's friends moved away and the twinkle in his eye at the mention of doing the same began to brighten. Now I'm "home" from vacation, on the first summer break I've ever had without a job, all the free time in the world, and I don't really feel like I'm home.

I think of "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" except I think of all my ladies who are so far away. I love them and always will--but where have all my favorite females gone to? Have they discovered what "home" really is? I can name one from each point in my life that is now far, far away.

In high school there was no question of what is home. In middle school, elementary school, even when I moved from my childhood home to Fayetteville there was no question of where "home" was--it was with my family. This summer I am going to have so much time to do what I want. It will be fun. It will be wonderful. It will be amazing and sun-filled and I can't wait; however, I'm a little anxious. All these things are great and I am one lucky little bitch; but when will my image of home become clearer?

Pivotal shmivotal this summer will be for learning.



MISS YOU KARE BEAR!